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Differences of Opinions - Why Do They Hurt Me? - 11/29/2008 10:25:01 AM
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MisterTR
Posts: 65
Joined: 5/23/2008
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I'm just feeling discouraged on an issue and could use a little help.
My wife used to carry on with some men online. She agreed to stop doing it, but months later I'm still feeling hurt when I see her working online, especially when it's late at night when she had been carrying on before. She is only interacting in ways that are perfectly fine and honoring to our marriage, but it still bugs me.
A big part of my continuing hurt is that I view her past behavior as adulterous, and I think it's wrong to flirt and carry on like she did. She has agreed to stop and has stopped doing it, but she doesn't think it's a big deal and thinks some kinds of sexual flirting is ok outside of marriage.
I think I could trust her more easily if she shared my views that sexual kinds of flirting are wrong outside of a marriage, or she at least understood my point of view. She just doesn't get it or see why it's such a big deal to me.
Here's the question that's bugging me. Why does it hurt me so much that my wife and I have such different perspectives on this and other issues? Any suggestions on how to work through this? I'm just feeling worn out and at a loss.
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: Differences of Opinions - Why Do They Hurt Me? - 11/29/2008 10:59:29 AM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1081
Joined: 4/29/2005
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It hurts you because it reveals that you and your wife made two different and unequal covenants of faithfulness when you got married. You both said, "I'll be faithful" (or whatever you really said) you meant "I won't flirt with anybody." and she meant "I won't sleep with anybody." When you were forming your covenant, you naturally thought that her words meant the same thing as your words -- but they didn't. So now there is tension in your covenant because it is unequal, when the marriage covenant is meant to have equal commitment from both sides.
So, you've got two choices to limit your frustration...
(1) Accept that you are in an unequal marriage covenant where you promised (and will deliver) more than you are receiving. Lots of covenants are unequal, and it doesn't make them bad. You decide you are the "bigger person" but are willing to abide with, put up with and somewhat shepherd the other person, while making your own decisions to limit the hurt she can inflict on you due to your emotional interconnection.
(2) You try to convince her to add to the 'terms' of your covenant by making more promises (in clearer language) from this point forward. To do this, you acknowledge that many people do consider flirting an OK thing in marriage. You don't fault her or judge her for thinking that,you were simply surprised. Those might be the 'terms' of an ordinary marriage, but you want to have a wonderful marriage.
Since you are kind of an insecure and ultra-exclusive guy, you would be really interested in making your marriage one of those utra-exclusive ones. Does she want an ultra-exclusive marriage, that includes you & her neither looking with interest on outsiders nor verbally flirting in person or in text? Oh, you understand that some low-level flirting is just kind of relational, and that's OK, you mean specifically sexual content flirting.
Then you say to her, formally, "Susan, I promise you that from now on I will be ultra-exclusive in our marriage. I won't flirt with or look with interest at anyone but you, my beloved." If she replies in-kind, then you are now secure and clear in the new terms of your ultra-exclusive, above the average marriage covenant. (If not, revert to plan 1)
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RE: Differences of Opinions - Why Do They Hurt Me? - 11/29/2008 11:37:45 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2044
Joined: 3/24/2008
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My dh and I used to differ on where the boundaries should be and he had to learn the hard way, I'm afraid, that he was playing with fire. I think your wife is/was as well. I also don't think it's unreasonable for her to not be on the computer late at night like that if that's when she was playing around on whatever sites she was on with her flirting. Unless she's doing vital work-related work, I don't see any need to continue doing that - even if she's not doing any of what she was before there's got to be temptation there and, IMO, it's only a matter of time.
Unfortunately, I don't think my agreeing with you makes you feel any better at all. I'm sorry.
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RE: Differences of Opinions - Why Do They Hurt Me? - 11/29/2008 11:46:28 AM
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MisterTR
Posts: 65
Joined: 5/23/2008
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Wow. I've danced around the marriage covenant issue as I've discussed this and thought about it, but you really focused in on it more clearly than I have before. Too many issues circling around and confusing me, I guess.
But how did you know my wife's name was Susan? Did I mention that in a previous post somewhere?
Thanks for sharing!! You've done a great job of diagnosing this and getting to the heart of the matter, but I'd still welcome other comments. I'm sure there are some other thoughts that might be helpful to me. (Yes, the second post from csl DOES make me feel better, too. Thanks!)
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: Differences of Opinions - Why Do They Hurt Me? - 11/29/2008 6:33:57 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1081
Joined: 4/29/2005
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I didn't know your wife is Susan. I always often use "Susan" and "Joe" as fake names in my posts. I didn't mean to freak you out or hit close to home. Maybe I should start using "Helga" or something... less chance of hitting a nerve.
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RE: Differences of Opinions - Why Do They Hurt Me? - 11/29/2008 7:15:49 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
It hurts you because it reveals that you and your wife made two different and unequal covenants of faithfulness when you got married. You both said, "I'll be faithful" (or whatever you really said) you meant "I won't flirt with anybody." and she meant "I won't sleep with anybody." When you were forming your covenant, you naturally thought that her words meant the same thing as your words -- but they didn't. So now there is tension in your covenant because it is unequal, when the marriage covenant is meant to have equal commitment from both sides.
So, you've got two choices to limit your frustration...
(1) Accept that you are in an unequal marriage covenant where you promised (and will deliver) more than you are receiving. Lots of covenants are unequal, and it doesn't make them bad. You decide you are the "bigger person" but are willing to abide with, put up with and somewhat shepherd the other person, while making your own decisions to limit the hurt she can inflict on you due to your emotional interconnection.
(2) You try to convince her to add to the 'terms' of your covenant by making more promises (in clearer language) from this point forward. To do this, you acknowledge that many people do consider flirting an OK thing in marriage. You don't fault her or judge her for thinking that,you were simply surprised. Those might be the 'terms' of an ordinary marriage, but you want to have a wonderful marriage.
Since you are kind of an insecure and ultra-exclusive guy, you would be really interested in making your marriage one of those utra-exclusive ones. Does she want an ultra-exclusive marriage, that includes you & her neither looking with interest on outsiders nor verbally flirting in person or in text? Oh, you understand that some low-level flirting is just kind of relational, and that's OK, you mean specifically sexual content flirting.
Then you say to her, formally, "Susan, I promise you that from now on I will be ultra-exclusive in our marriage. I won't flirt with or look with interest at anyone but you, my beloved." If she replies in-kind, then you are now secure and clear in the new terms of your ultra-exclusive, above the average marriage covenant. (If not, revert to plan 1)
Excellent post, Pbaribeault. I agree; thanks for spelling it out (life can be so confusing).
A neighbor of ours told her husband that he could flirt as long as he always did it in front of her. No private flirting allowed!
Mr. TR, I don't blame you for being uneasy. Your wife is seeing how close to the edge of the cliff she can get when you stand back as far as you can get. If you slip, it's a small consequence and easily repaired. If she slips, she could go over the edge.
Maybe showing your wife this thread will help her understand she's playing with fire. Either she's doing it innocently and will willingly change how she lives (and there's the "avoiding the appearance of evil" issue as well) or she intends to "live dangerously" and you truly have a bigger problem on your hands. I'd recommend "Love Must Be Tough" for dealing with the dynamics here if she doesn't want to give up flirting. I'm praying for you tonight.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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