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Need male point of view please ... - 11/20/2008 8:08:53 PM
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Sally_G
Posts: 24
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There is a guy I work with who pays a lot of attention to me. He is single, saved, smart, and creative - exactly the type of guy that I like. He is also a leader - he takes control and will often lead the group back to Christ - which I really really really like. But there a couple of things that I have a question about.
On one hand, he always greets me with a hug and a kiss (on the cheek, or on the hand). He's always putting his arm around me, sitting next to me or something. But it isn't in a creepy way - if that makes sense (he's just normally affectionate). He asked me about 5 or 6 times over the past few weeks if I would like his number. So now I have it but I haven't given him mine yet. He also notices me - like he notices what I'm doing, how I'm feeling etc. And - I notice him too - I'll ask him how he's doing - if he mentions that he does something outside of work, I'll ask him about it etc.
But, there are a couple of things that I have questions about and thought that perhaps you guys could give me some insight about it. The other day, I heard him talking to the guys about how he always has lots of women who like him. So that kind of got me thinking a bit - is this like some sort of cassanova kind of thing going on or is he just talking trash? Then he's always saying that some woman is beautiful (he'll include me in it, but I'm usually just kind of cool about it ... like "thanks ... I wonder if I have mail - I think I'll check it now ...")? Or the other day he was talking about his ex wanting to get back together with him. I kept feeling like he was trying to make me jealous or something - it was wierd. So I said "maybe you could give her a chance - you might be missing out ... she might have changed ..." He kind of blanched a bit at that and said he wasn't interested in her. But hey, perhaps she is the right girl for him - how am I to know anything different? But really - to be honest - some of this seems a little game-like - and although I guess I'm playing a little bit - I really don't like games if that makes sense. I'm more comfortable with things being straight forward - but I know the world doesn't always work that way.
So, I don't quite know what is going on here. A while ago, he was talking to someone and shared a very traumatic experience that happened previously in two previous relationships. So he said that he wasn't going to pursue women any more and that women would have to pursue him. When I heard that, I wrote him off because that is not me. However, I don't know if he is trying to pursue me in some roundabout way.
So ... do you have any insight? Is this guy a player? Maybe he likes the fact that I'm challenging? What's up with this guy? Think he might like me? Am I just clueless?
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/20/2008 10:22:29 PM
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colliefan
Posts: 2991
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From: Raleigh, NC
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quote:
Is this guy a player? Maybe he likes the fact that I'm challenging?
Yep, for a "player" the conquest is part of the game. Remember, a "charmer" can fool a great deal of people over the short run. You need to find somoene who has known him for at least a year, if not more,
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/20/2008 11:07:15 PM
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lightbeamrider
Posts: 132
Joined: 6/6/2008
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Normally, i don't like to speculate about people's motives. It sounds like he might be controlling and manipulative. He gives u his phone number which indicates he wants u to call him. There is nothing wrong with telling him u simply do not do that with men. There is also nothing wrong with setting boundaries if the guy is invading your space by hugging and kissing u.
It might be interesting to do a little background check on this guy. I also sense arrogance in him. He is divorced. Why? Children? Child support? Is he current on his payments? Stability? Work? Any bad habits? Maturity? Is he the christianized version of ''good time Charlie?'' This guy does not sound like he is worth ur time. No man walks on water. Certainly u do not sound like u are all that impressed with him. Perhaps it is not a good match.
I did a small background check on a female from work and did not like what the results so dropped it with her. Life is too short to invest in a potential bad relationship. Besides, getting involved with a person who is divorced and the ex running around and the children from a previous marriage adds plenty excess baggage. Don't know if that fits in ur situation but it did in mine.
Look at ur options and go with ur gut on this one.
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/20/2008 11:19:15 PM
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tscoffey
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It sounds like he likes himself enough so that there would be little room left for you.
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/20/2008 11:53:59 PM
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Sally_G
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Thanks for your replies. I can't see this clearly and it helps to get a more objective point of view. Let me clear up a couple of things. First, he isn't divorced, has no kids. The traumatic events were that two of his girlfriends that he was serious in the past died. One from an illness and one from a tragic accident. It happened a while ago, but I think he still thinks about it.
I don't get that he is a "good time" charlie - but I'm not sure about his maturity level when it comes to relationships. My gut feeling is that he might not really want something very serious - he's into his career at this point. I'm not sure if he is a player - he could very well be - which is why I don't show too much interest other than the same type of care/concern that I show to my other co-workers. I'm at a different point in my life. I've been pretty cautious with him - I hug people - that is the culture of the place where I work and I don't have a problem with it.
I'm thankful for your responses. Please keep them coming. I'm not the type of person who will just ignore them - I really want to know - I need some insight and wisdom in this area. Thanks!
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/21/2008 12:21:11 AM
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OneJohn410
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How does he bring Christ into the workplace? Does he attend a church? Is that a positive on your 'list'?
quote:
ORIGINAL: Sally_G
He is also a leader - he takes control and will often lead the group back to Christ - which I really really really like.
Where is all this affection taking place... at the office? Is he hugging and kissing all the ladies? I've not seen that as normally affectionate wherever I've worked.
quote:
On one hand, he always greets me with a hug and a kiss (on the cheek, or on the hand). He's always putting his arm around me, sitting next to me or something. But it isn't in a creepy way - if that makes sense (he's just normally affectionate).
Have you given this up in prayer, sought to chill things with the hugging, kissing, and lunchtable cuddling, and focus on work, and then sought some solitude to hear from God and from your heart on things?
He sounds like a really nice guy, yet to claim to have had two girlfriends or girl friends in his past pass away- he could be really determined to not let that happen again. As in highly controlling, highly protective, overbearing because he knows best- that kind of thing.
If you know where he attends church, maybe visiting there one Sunday unannounced would be helpful?
_____________________________
For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. -Romans 15:4 (NIV)
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/21/2008 4:00:31 AM
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lightbeamrider
Posts: 132
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Hugging people at work is not necessarily a good thing due to sexual harassment laws, also creating hostile work environment. U do not have to be the person hugged. U can just be a bystander and be offended at the open displays of affection at the workplace. That creates a hostile work environment. A man who is into his career is going to know enough to keep his distance at work. All it takes is one complaint. I like my job and want to keep it. I do not get friendly with females at work and never touch them unless its absolutely work related.
Having two former girlfriends who die is rather interesting. Don't u find that a bit unusual? Anybody else dropping dead around this guy? Maybe u really like this guy but u just have cold feet? If this guy is as u describe him then i can see why a lot of women would be attracted to him. He has never been married. He is career minded, ''single saved smart and creative'' Being a leader (alpha male) is one thing, being a control freak is another. One is good while the other is a nightmare. Sounds like he expects u to pursue him and has indicated that is the case. If things heat up do a background check. Things are never as they seem when it comes to people.
U say u work with this guy and that he takes control and leads the group back to Christ. U must be in some kind of church ministry? Have u ever said ''no'' to him? It's a good test. Normally ''no'' means no, it does not mean negotiate. I don't see u as a person who does not have a clue. U are asking the right questions. Folks here can only go on info u provide which is scanty, at present. Tomorrow it may not be a problem for u. Some other gal will get his attention and throw him for a loop. Some test the waters with their big toe and others jump right in.
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/21/2008 7:40:01 AM
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buckifn
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What kind of work does he do? If he is in ministry it is a double bad sign if he is "touching" "kissing" females at work...It is a bad sign anywhere, but minister's have a higher calling than the basic 9-5 worker elsewhere imo.
I always told my daughter's straight up- if a guy doesn't care enough to pursue you now what makes you think he will care enough to put you first ten years later when the bills are piling up, the kids are screaming, and both of you have gotten older.
He doesn't even care enough to give you a call I would say don't bother taking his number and allowing him to add you to his so called list of achievements.
A man who is honorable does not go around boasting about anything
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/21/2008 6:50:39 PM
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jn1010lf
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Hello Sally_G
My overall impression here is to advise you to stear clear of this guy. He is a person you work with, so do all you can to keep it that way.
He is divorced, therefore, he is bound to have some baggage of some heaviness or the other. Since you've seen him react hurtfully, it just adds to the impression that this guy has a lot of ministry needs.
You might drop hints of things Christian that you are involved in. Listen closely and see if he takes up on them, lets them slide or objects to such subjects.
Again, at this point, I would work with him and keep it that way. Be a little business like if you have to work closly with him.
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/21/2008 10:35:20 PM
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cchsfcaleader
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first off pray about it. tell him how you feel flat out about what he says and does. being direct will make him realize you arent afraid to tell him how you feel about things. dont yell, just say it clearly and calmly. if he doesnt agree and make sure he answers the questions first cuz he could have lost focus on God and brought it to you and mabey other wemon. you need to talk to him about that and bring someone neutral that is saved like your pastor or a deacon to be there as a control in a way. and dont make a scene.
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/22/2008 1:07:27 AM
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Sally_G
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Thanks for all of the replies. I've prayed about it and have decided to not respond to this guy in any other way than as a co-worker. My reaction after reading what a lot of you have written is that he probably does aspire to be a player - I think Samson hit the nail on the head. I think that he probably does sort of like me a bit, but I also think that he might be afraid to put his heart out there because of what happened concerning previous girlfriends. Not so much that I'll die or anything like that - but because of the pain involved with losing someone. I also think that at this point in his life, he isn't really ready for something serious. I am. So I don't see the point in moving in this direction.
I'll address hugging/kissing because so many people mentioned it. The place where I work has people from a number of different cultures that are more affectionate (which to me seems to be just about every other culture in the world except for the U.S. and parts of Europe, China, and Japan). A lot of the people are artists, so they tend to be demonstrative and sometimes a bit extreme - which is cool with me. I am also normally affectionate, though I have to be very careful about it. When I go to church, I sometimes hug people and will kiss other older women or men on the cheek. It is very natural for me. I don't necessarily see that by itself as something provocative - nor do I see that same thing here. People just hug and kiss everyone - young and old - men and women. It is the kind of place where a guy might put his arm around the neck of another guy and it doesn't mean anything other than they are friends. Or a woman might lay her head on a guys shoulder. That doesn't mean anything except that maybe she is tired.
Where it is a bit different with this guy is because he has been a bit more affectionate with me than some of the other women, although he is normally affectionate with everyone (men and women). A little while ago, I had to stop a married man from doing that with me - because I didn't think it was proper. With this guy - I kind of allowed some leeway - maybe in retrospect too much. But I've exercised restraint too.
I've been single for a long, long, long time. I was shut down for many years - I had lots of walls up. Now I'm more open. But there are many, many things that I don't do because I love God and because the bible says to avoid the appearance of evil. The Lord has allowed me to be faithful in this area for many years. But, it doesn't stop me from wanting someone to hold me - not necessarily in a sexual way - but just a very natural way. This is doubly hard for me because I'm a person that really needs physical touch - which is like a curse if you are single. Only the Lord sustains me because I'm not married or in a relationship. Whole days will go by and without a single hug. It used to be a whole week (from Sunday to Sunday). But God will provide - I've known him to be my sufficiency and since I've waited this long, he will give me grace to be faithful to him for longer.
However, I recognize that the workplace is not the place for that need to be met. I also think that, after reading these responses, that I'm going to tone it down - even if everyone around me is doing it. If you guys are reacting this way to it, then chances are others might be too. And you are right - sexual harassment is no joke. I don't want to be anywhere around something like that or to invite it into my life. I don't want to be foolish in this area.
Thanks for the tough talk and for calling it like you see it. If you have additional insight, please let me know. I want to learn and to be wise in this area.
Oh - and again - he isn't divorced. He's a single, never married guy.
Thanks!
Sally
< Message edited by Sally_G -- 11/22/2008 1:16:58 AM >
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/22/2008 2:53:03 PM
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colliefan
Posts: 2991
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Raleigh, NC
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quote:
The traumatic events were that two of his girlfriends that he was serious in the past died. One from an illness and one from a tragic accident. It happened a while ago, but I think he still thinks about it.
Not to seem calous, but life isn't fair and, at times, can be down-right cruel. Has he processed the grief from these events and left them in the past? How does he speak about his walk with God? From your brief description he sounds too much like a glad-handler,
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/22/2008 5:23:08 PM
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jn1010lf
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Hey Sally G
Got one more comment, if I may. I've received affection from some genuine Christian women. Believe me, there is nothing like it. It warms you all the way to the heart but does not arouse any physical feelings. Oh, the this world had more women like this.
You sound like your pretty solid, so keep up the affection that the Lord gives you. God knows, this world needs it.
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/23/2008 7:12:38 PM
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Sally_G
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quote:
Not to seem calous, but life isn't fair and, at times, can be down-right cruel. Has he processed the grief from these events and left them in the past? How does he speak about his walk with God? From your brief description he sounds too much like a glad-handler,
colliefan - thank you for your comments. What is a glad-handler? (I guess I can look it up.) To be honest, I don't know if he's processed the grief very well. I think the fact that he says that he doesn't want to pursue but be pursued (at least that is what he says anyway), seems to say that he hasn't. I know some things about his walk with God, but not how the deaths have impacted him. I'll probably just ask him about it one day.
quote:
Hey Sally G
Got one more comment, if I may. I've received affection from some genuine Christian women. Believe me, there is nothing like it. It warms you all the way to the heart but does not arouse any physical feelings. Oh, the this world had more women like this.
You sound like your pretty solid, so keep up the affection that the Lord gives you. God knows, this world needs it.
jn1010f: Yes, I agree. Genuine affection is really great when it comes from a Christian brother or sister. I do experience a little of that - and pray that I will be able to experience more. It is almost like I had to shut down that part of me a bit so that I can survive not getting enough of it. But again, God is good and he does supply. Thanks for taking the time to respond to me with such thoughtful replies.
Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and insights. I appreciate the time you've taken to read and share with me.
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/26/2008 4:07:04 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4448
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From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SamsonUSA
No he's not a player, he's a wannabe player.
lol - very true. i think you handled it really well sally_g
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RE: Need male point of view please ... - 11/27/2008 12:09:54 AM
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Sally_G
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Thanks again for all of the advice. Some things happened today that confirms what has been said, but also adds a new twist to the situation. None of it involves me, thank God. But, it shows me that I made the right decision; that this guy will be my co-worker and nothing more.
< Message edited by Sally_G -- 11/27/2008 12:31:20 AM >
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No he's not a player, he's a wannabe player. First off men who attract women easily don't tell their friends about it, their friends know about it because they see it happening when they hang out together. 
