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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/22/2008 4:19:30 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
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If you love each other enough to still want intimacy, and you are committed to not even dating anyone else, and you are taking the divorce process slowly, it sounds to me like you love each other enough to stay married. Why not cancel all your divorce appointments, and make an appointment with a marriage counselor instead.
I don't think it's wrong to be intimate while you're separated, but while you're divorced it probably is, but it still doesn't seem as bad to me as two people never married being together, or a spouse cheating, etc.., especially if it wasn't a Biblical divorce in God's eyes. In God's eyes, you're supposed to be married anyway......but I really just dunno.
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/22/2008 5:33:12 AM
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manda59
Posts: 6129
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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ohiogirl,
I am just wondering whose idea this is.
I read this from another post of yours:
quote:
My husband left me 19 weeks ago and looks like he is not coming back. He doesn't want to speak to me, hear from me, or see me. It's like he wants to pretend the I don't exist nor did our life together. He has already asked his counselor that he is seeing when she thinks he will be ready to date. So, he isn't coming back. And isn't man enough in my opinion to tell me that.
So is this you wanting this "one last time" because you still love him? Or because you hope it might change his mind and bring him back? Or is this him wanting this because he knows you still love him and wants to take advantage of those feelings?
There's nothing against it in the Bible, as you are stil married, I'm just not sure if it's the wisest thing to do, whether it could mess you up as you try to move on. Are you still having counselling yourself?
_____________________________
"I think Manda and I are on the same page"
crankius, January 2009
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/22/2008 7:59:58 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1860
Joined: 5/23/2006
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I guess my biggest question would be WHY?
If you don't love the person enough to stay married to them why are you having sex with them when it is one of the highest levels of intimacy two people can share?
If one of you want sex and the other doesn't wouldn't that just start the merry go round of feelings all over again for someone who has made it clear they no longer want you?
To me it seems like it is just setting yourself up for hurt all over again.
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/22/2008 8:47:58 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2046
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
If you love each other enough to still want intimacy, and you are committed to not even dating anyone else, and you are taking the divorce process slowly, it sounds to me like you love each other enough to stay married. Why not cancel all your divorce appointments, and make an appointment with a marriage counselor instead.
If this is true, I agree with OneOfHisJewels
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
So is this you wanting this "one last time" because you still love him? Or because you hope it might change his mind and bring him back? Or is this him wanting this because he knows you still love him and wants to take advantage of those feelings?
If this is true, I agree wit manda.
So which is it?
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/22/2008 9:20:05 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 23645
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I agree with every single post made so far in this thread.
Seriously.
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/22/2008 9:47:16 AM
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vicbhe
Posts: 86
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: Arkansas
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I have to join the "WHY?" crowd. I don't get it. I see couples quite often doing this and many even after the divorce. The sex stopped in my marriage long before the divorce.
I do know from talking to others that many couples enjoy a much happier sex life over the course of their marriage than I did. I didn't know how much I was missing out as I had nothing to compaire to at the time; I never discussed those things outside my marriage with anyone. Anyway I have learned that many couples very actively continue their sex life while basically hating each other in their marriage, even right up until the day of the divorce. Somehow one or both are able to disengage their bitter feelings towards each other while they are otherwise engaged.
So is it 'wrong'? I suppose not, I know of no scripture that indicates it is.
One thought in my mind is.... when does a divorce actually take place? You give each other a legal written letter of divorce, and I'm sure in some cultures or times in history that was it, you were divorced. Our legal system in America makes it so complicated with property settlements, child custody, child support, etc etc. Sometimes it's years before a judge signs the papers.
_____________________________
“You cannot improve your righteousness by tearing down the righteousness of others”. W.O. Vaught
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/22/2008 9:53:16 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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I simply cannot imagine being intimate with someone that either disliked me so intently or I disliked them so intently that one or both of us was considering divorce.
To me, that seems like using and allowing to be used . . . and either way, it seems very degrading, and also very dishonoring of each other.
If people have 2nd thoughts and/or are really trying to work things through, that's an entirely different story.
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/22/2008 10:06:30 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2046
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quote:
ORIGINAL: vicbhe
Anyway I have learned that many couples very actively continue their sex life while basically hating each other in their marriage, even right up until the day of the divorce. Somehow one or both are able to disengage their bitter feelings towards each other while they are otherwise engaged.
So is it 'wrong'? I suppose not, I know of no scripture that indicates it is.
I think that's sad and, yea, I think it's wrong. How is that different than picking up some random person in a bar and taking them home just for some kind of sexual satisfaction? It's not what sex was designed for, it's missing the point, dishonoring God and ourselves. If you say that the marriage is dead, the vow is broken, you don't get the tax breaks (such as they are) so you shouldn't get the other perks either.
If you can still hop into bed with someone you say you want to divorce either you're giving up the marriage prematurely or you're so disconnected from the intimacy that you have other big emotional issues...which, if dealt with, would probably make a difference in the problems that are ending the marriage as well.
To be perfectly honest, I've always thought that if we ever divorced this would be a problem. I think it would just be impossible to even be around each other. But I guess that's why I've never seen that as a possible option even when things were strained or hard. The emotional and spiritual ties in marriage don't just go away because you sign some papers. I have a friend who's really struggling with this right now. She's not the one who wants the divorce, though.
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/22/2008 10:08:11 AM
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becomingwhole
Posts: 28
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ohiogirl,
I did with my dh while we were separated, and will tell you I was the one who got hurt in all of it. At the time we were separated, and he was telling me he was working on coming back home, and it usually happened after he had spent the whole day with the kids and me. Then he would pick up his stuff and go to where he was staying. I had never felt so low in all of my life. Once I knew all that was going on, and that he did plan on filing for divorce, then he did not get that side benefit anymore.
Now many know my family’s story, and that is almost a year after the divorce we remarried. So if you are standing, then continue to stand, but please don't be like I was, and think if he can love you in that sense then he will stay. That was my thinking, and I only ended up hurting my own heart. When I was finally able to let go and trust God did I get a complete healing.
I hope that all makes sense,
becomingwhole
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/22/2008 10:11:58 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2046
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quote:
ORIGINAL: becomingwhole
ohiogirl,
I did with my dh while we were separated, and will tell you I was the one who got hurt in all of it. At the time we were separated, and he was telling me he was working on coming back home, and it usually happened after he had spent the whole day with the kids and me. Then he would pick up his stuff and go to where he was staying. I had never felt so low in all of my life. Once I knew all that was going on, and that he did plan on filing for divorce, then he did not get that side benefit anymore.
Now many know my family’s story, and that is almost a year after the divorce we remarried. So if you are standing, then continue to stand, but please don't be like I was, and think if he can love you in that sense then he will stay. That was my thinking, and I only ended up hurting my own heart. When I was finally able to let go and trust God did I get a complete healing.
I hope that all makes sense,
becomingwhole
Are you saying this was while you were separated from your ex/current dh (you remarried each other a year later)? And it was still hurtful to you and something you regret during that time? Very good point for ohiogirl to understand. If she's holding on to some hope, even if it does work out in the long run, this is just not a good idea. Thanks for sharing.
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/22/2008 11:12:58 AM
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becomingwhole
Posts: 28
Joined: 7/18/2005
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csl7037,
Yes, we were separated for 6 months while he said he was trying to work it all out. I thought if he could see how much I loved him then he would stay. Eventually I learned of all of his deceit, and he filed for divorce in May 04 and it was final in Nov. 04. In March of 05 he called and asked if I would consider giving him a chance again. I replied yes, seven months later we remarried in Oct.05. Those seven months held a lot of counseling, and heart wrenching moments.
Yes, I regret sleeping with my dh during the separation, because I believe I was relying on my own strength to try and save the marriage, and not trusting God. Does that make sense?
Becomingwhole
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/22/2008 11:20:40 AM
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vicbhe
Posts: 86
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: Arkansas
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quote:
quote:
ORIGINAL: vicbhe
Anyway I have learned that many couples very actively continue their sex life while basically hating each other in their marriage, even right up until the day of the divorce. Somehow one or both are able to disengage their bitter feelings towards each other while they are otherwise engaged.
So is it 'wrong'? I suppose not, I know of no scripture that indicates it is.
I think that's sad and, yea, I think it's wrong. How is that different than picking up some random person in a bar and taking them home just for some kind of sexual satisfaction? It's not what sex was designed for, it's missing the point, dishonoring God and ourselves. If you say that the marriage is dead, the vow is broken, you don't get the tax breaks (such as they are) so you shouldn't get the other perks either.
If you can still hop into bed with someone you say you want to divorce either you're giving up the marriage prematurely or you're so disconnected from the intimacy that you have other big emotional issues...which, if dealt with, would probably make a difference in the problems that are ending the marriage as well.
csl7037 I totally agree with you. My right or wrong comment was strictly a black and white answer that I don't know of a scripture that states it. Common since tells me something about all of it is wrong.
_____________________________
“You cannot improve your righteousness by tearing down the righteousness of others”. W.O. Vaught
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/23/2008 12:37:15 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 762
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Shouldn't this be with the other thread/post
"Husband Left Me and Probably Isn't Coming back?"
IMHO:
Having sex with your spouse when you have no intentions of
reconciling isn't the wisest thing to do... there's a lot of emotions
to deal with when one is facing divorce don't make it any more difficult
by having sex if you both aren't committed to repairing the marriage.
*If both of you want to save the marriage - just stop the divorce proceedings and get into marriage counseling.*
< Message edited by jaimestarcross -- 11/23/2008 12:43:23 AM >
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/23/2008 2:50:02 AM
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ohiogirl06
Posts: 9
Joined: 8/22/2006
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I'm basically thinking about it as "one last time" thing. I don't think it will change his mind or mine for that matter. Yes, I am still seeing my counselor and he his. He is on medication now for his depression which is slowly kicking in and helping.
I am just thinking out loud on this one. Haven't said anything to him or my counselor about this at all. Just thoughts at this point. I hadn't even made up my mind if I was going to bring it up with him and see what his thoughts were on this yet.
Like I said, just thinking out loud and see what ya'lls thoughts were. We are taking the dissolution very slowly, no big hurry. Thats a mutual decision, for which I am glad.
Anyways. Its something to think about, not just in my situation, but if any of our friends come across a situation like this; how would we honestly respond to them knowing them as a deep personal friend and not some stranger on the internet?
Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. Keep praying for us. I am praying for us daily, as well as other things/people, of course. And thanks for "listening" to me think out loud and babble.
Ya'll take care. and Happy Thanksgiving!
< Message edited by ohiogirl06 -- 11/23/2008 2:57:39 AM >
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/23/2008 9:28:23 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 23645
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ohiogirl06
I'm basically thinking about it as "one last time" thing. Ohiogirl06, my question to you is WHY are you thinking this?
Sex is very emotionally and spiritually bonding.
WHY would you want to do that to yourself or to your husband . . . have sex one last time before the divorce?
The reasoning doesn't make sense to me.
If y'all want the marriage to continue, then it would make more sense and have more validity.
However, to be intimate with a man for "one last time" while y'all are in the process of divorce proceedings seems baffling and, frankly, more than a little alarming to me . . . no matter how slowly y'all are taking the divorce.
You don't have to answer my question, but it is meant for you to seriously ponder.
WHY are you wanting to have sex with him? If you get to the WHY of it, that may also help you realize whether or not you truly want a divorce.
As to if any of my friends ever came to me and told me they were considering one last fling with their soon-to-be divorced husband, I would say the same thing to them as I have said to you.
I hope you will give this some very serious thought. If your marriage is truly over, let it be over. If it isn't over, then perhaps the divorce proceedings need to be stopped and replaced with marriage counselling.
This is a very serious matter.
May Our Lord bless you abundantly.
Blessings,
Sharon-Marie
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/23/2008 9:39:18 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2046
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings
Sex is very emotionally and spiritually bonding.
Maybe this is just an assumption on our part. Maybe that's not what it is for this couple. OR, they're in denial as most divorced/divorcing people are, that this spiritual bond easily comes and goes when you get tired of what goes with it.
quote:
ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings
As to if any of my friends ever came to me and told me they were considering one last fling with their soon-to-be divorced husband, I would say the same thing to them as I have said to you.
If any of my IRL friends came to me with this notion, I'd be a lot less patient than I have been here.
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/23/2008 9:58:34 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 23645
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From: Here . . . but subject to change; stay tuned
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
quote:
ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings
Sex is very emotionally and spiritually bonding.
Maybe this is just an assumption on our part. Maybe that's not what it is for this couple. OR, they're in denial as most divorced/divorcing people are, that this spiritual bond easily comes and goes when you get tired of what goes with it. I disagree with this.
At one point in my life, I was sexually promiscuous. I became emotionally attached to the men who I was with (ironically, whether I liked them or not); and I also believe that there were spiritual bonds that I had to, later, break because of this behavior. Each time I was with a different man, I incurred more spiritual bonds. (I realized this restrospectively).
I truly believe that there is more to sex than just the physical act; and I also truly believe that the bonds, from all levels, are long-lasting. Breaking such bonds is not an easy, quick nor painless process.
I'm not just using my life as an example. I've read about this, from other women's accounts, and I've also read studies and books that point to what I have said.
As to this couple (or any couple) possibly being in denial about such a thing . . . people can deny that what they're doing is bonding, but denying it doesn't make it so.
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/23/2008 1:19:46 PM
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AbbyGrace
Posts: 658
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quote:
ORIGINAL: becomingwhole
csl7037,
Yes, we were separated for 6 months while he said he was trying to work it all out. I thought if he could see how much I loved him then he would stay. Eventually I learned of all of his deceit, and he filed for divorce in May 04 and it was final in Nov. 04. In March of 05 he called and asked if I would consider giving him a chance again. I replied yes, seven months later we remarried in Oct.05. Those seven months held a lot of counseling, and heart wrenching moments.
Yes, I regret sleeping with my dh during the separation, because I believe I was relying on my own strength to try and save the marriage, and not trusting God. Does that make sense?
Becomingwhole
Yes, this makes complete sense, and I can relate. My ex husband wanted me and my daughter out in May of this year, in Aug., he wanted to see me, he claimed that he still loved me and missed us, so that gave me hope, I stayed the night with him, we slept together (sex), just to be told the next day that he didnt know what he wanted.....that almost killed me!!!! A hurt from so deep within, that I wasnt sure I was ever going to get past it, because I didnt want the divorce, it was all him. In Sept., the divorce was final, and again, he contacts me in Oct., last month, I go there, and its all about sex, but this time, it didnt happen......I was able to stand my ground, with strength and peace from the Lord, and say NO! Today, it still hurts, but its a healing process that Im going through, and the Lord gets all the GLORY for this, He is teaching me how to rely on Him and not me.
So my advice to anyone is....DONT GO THERE! If you dont love one another to remain married and to trust God to heal the marriage, then DO NOT have sex, it involves too many feelings, emotions, questions and its hurts!
_____________________________
Hebrews 12:14 "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." 
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/23/2008 1:51:25 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1860
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: online
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This sounds like a case of lust for sex rather than love and wanting a marriage to continue...
did u say he has made it clear he wants no part of marriage with you in another thread somewhere?
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/23/2008 7:11:25 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10366
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From: Lone Star State
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I can see nothing but hurt coming from it, yet can't help but think of the Ray Price song "For the Good Times"....
Probably doesn't help, but I had to say it.
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We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/24/2008 11:41:17 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2912
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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Been there. Done that. Got the scars.
While separated from my first husband before the divorce was final, he approached me for intimacy. I agreed because he was my husband, I loved him with all my heart and I foolishly thought it signaled a major step towards reconcilliation. It didn't change a thing except my self-worth and adding a few more twists to the knife already in my heart.
Sexual intimacy is a benefit of marital commitment and fidelity. Giving it without those two is casting pearls before swine.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/24/2008 12:56:54 PM
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Restored_Heart
Posts: 947
Joined: 7/23/2005
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DITTO!
_____________________________
"Ya mom, I got to see "Some Italian guy" in concert..."
Some Italian guy? (Carman) :p
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/24/2008 3:15:44 PM
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Auben
Posts: 1599
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
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I agree with all that come before.
If you're not worried about yourself, be kind to your husband. Whether the divorce is mutual or not, this might be a confusing step for him ESPECIALLY if he's already on depression meds. Don't mess around. You can't know what the emotional fall-out will be on his side ahead of time even if you think you know how you will feel.
If you have to do this divorce, keep it clean, keep it neat, keep it nice. Sex confuses all the boundaries and just makes the whole thing more difficult.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: Separated and Sex - 11/24/2008 3:17:37 PM
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heavencomedown
Posts: 65
Joined: 11/7/2008
From: Seattle, Wa.
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A bad idea! You are asking to be hurt .... again.
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