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When to get a restraining order... - 11/4/2008 10:29:08 PM
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Chrystal-J-007
Posts: 658
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Detroit
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I was reading another thread and wanted to expand on it. Since women aren't allowed to post on other people's threads in this forum, I decided to make my own thread.
I have the following problem.
I used to go to karaoke at a bar near my house. I don't drink that much, but I really like listening to people sing.
Anyway--I ran into a guy there who sings really well. (Let's call him Fred.) I let Fred sit near me each week for about 2 months. I also paid him to work in my yard cuz I had some very over-grown trees. (It was just for part of 2 days for a few bucks--not long term.) One day, he started saying that he wanted me to be his girlfriend, I politely said "No thanks. I'm not looking for a boyfriend." When he persisted, I quit going to karaoke and I quit letting him work in my yard.
After that--since we both live in the same neighborhood--Fred dropped by my house and ask if we could go out. I walked out on the porch, told him that I wasn't interested, and went back inside. He quit contacting me for about 2 weeks, so I thought the whole thing had blown over.
Then he suddenly started calling me on my cell phone. (I had given him the number when I hired him to work in my yard.) He called 5 times in one night and left this message: "Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me, talk to me..." (Until time ran out for the message.) Finally, I asked a male friend of mine (who knows Fred) to answer the phone. When my male friend answered, he said: "DON'T EVER CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN FRED!" and hung up the phone.
Anyway, I went back up to the bar where I used to listen to karaoke. The bar owner (a woman) said that I was being a "witch" cuz I had "blown off" Fred. I was shocked. She said that she felt sorry for him and couldn't understand why I wouldn't date him. I told her that Fred was "off his rocker". She said "Maybe he is, but that's no reason to blow him off. You should of given it more time."  I finally said "If you think he's so great--then YOU go out with him." and then I walked out. I suspect that she was mad at me cuz Fred spends his whole disability check in her bar and she's afraid he won't come back if I refuse to see him.
Anyway, I will NEVER go in that bar again. (I can listen to karaoke someplace else.) My concern is what I should do if Fred keeps this behavior going. At what point should I get a restraining order? Does he have to be threatening me? Or can he just be annoying me? I haven't heard from him in 2 days and I hope it's finally over. But, if he calls me again I wonder if that's enough for a restraining order--or does he have to be threatening me?
Thanks...sorry this is so long.
C J
< Message edited by Chrystal-J-007 -- 11/4/2008 10:44:53 PM >
_____________________________
Worry looks around, Sorrow looks back, Faith looks up
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese...timing is everything!
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/4/2008 11:42:32 PM
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OneJohn410
Posts: 1517
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Hi Crystal-J-007,
I've not had to get a restraining order before, or know anyone that has. You probably considered whether Fred was somehow related to the bar owner... son perhaps? It sounds like you were just a victim of circumstance, and maybe everyone else there knew his nature but you. I'm sorry to hear that happened. Singing in those is really not so bad if you are in a group. I don't think you'll hear from Fred again, where you'll need any special order like that. You may look at call blocking if the phone calls keep up.
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For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. -Romans 15:4 (NIV)
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/5/2008 8:19:53 AM
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mrtigger
Posts: 319
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I don't know what the legal requirements are for getting a restraining order. Or even whether it is the best approach or not. I have heard a restraining order can inflame a situation further and wind up being counterproductive. Maybe some of the women who have been in this situation before would have some knowledge of that.
IMO, if he calls again, don't answer and have your male buddy call him back. No yelling. Just have him firmly, but calmly, explain that you are not interested in him. never have been, and never will be. And that further contact might lead to legal action.
That's my advice for what it's worth (not much). But it did work when a guy was pestering my niece that same way. After months of polite nos from her, he was still bothering her until my brother got in the guys face about it. That fixed it.
The bar owner is out of bounds. She shouldn't chastize you for it.
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mr tigger
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/5/2008 9:18:01 AM
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APZR
Posts: 961
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From: GA
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After several stern warnings, I'd say that one more attempt would be enough and it's time to talk to law enforcement. Of course the bar owner would defend him, they are of like kind... bar people, not the cream of our society.
BTW, hanging out in bars is not a great place to be, even if it's just for karaoke. When you are hanging out in a bar, whether as a regular or not, it's generally accepted that you are available and condone typical bar behavior. Just be careful, birds of a feather...
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Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/5/2008 1:07:01 PM
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Chrystal-J-007
Posts: 658
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Detroit
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Thanks for the replies everyone.
mrtigger--you're right. When a man talks to Fred, he listens. He seems to ignore me when I told him to leave me alone. He's been told many times that I don't want him for a boyfriend (by other people too, not just me) but it doesn't seem to sink in. But, he hasn't called back since my male friend told him not to.
NOW people tell me that he's done this to other women in the past. (I sure wish I'd known this before I let him sit with me.) I agree about the bar owner. She only cares about money. But in the long run she's ruining her business by letting the troublemakers stay--and scaring off the good customers. Most of the guys in there run tabs they never pay. I have no idea why she keeps letting them back in. I just know I'll never go back.
APZR--I agree that 'birds of a feather flock together' and my chances are better in church and not in a bar. But, I've also had guys annoy me in church too. I finally switched to a church with mostly seniors, so it's not a problem now. I've been harassed in school, church, at work (the manager at the store I worked at grabbed me violently and tried to kiss me). One of my friends said I had a permanent "kick me" sign on my back. But, you're right--my chances are much better in church than it is in a bar. It's just that Detroit doesn't have a lot of places to do things if you want to go out at night. But, I guess I could rent movies instead...lol.
I'm going to call the "justice center" (free legal aid) if he calls again.
_____________________________
Worry looks around, Sorrow looks back, Faith looks up
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese...timing is everything!
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/5/2008 5:33:42 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8012
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The real lesson to be learned here is to not let people "hang around" you unless you are interested in them. If you let a guy sit with you he will eventually think you like him. So you kind of sent mixed signals to the guy. After two months of sitting with a girl I'd think she liked me too.
So next time be more careful about who sits with you. If you don't want to date them don't get too familiar with them.
I agree with mrtigger's advice on how to handle the current situation. Have a male friend deal with him and let him know that a restraining order will be placed against him if he doesn't leave you alone.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/5/2008 7:24:39 PM
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Chrystal-J-007
Posts: 658
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Detroit
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
The real lesson to be learned here is to not let people "hang around" you unless you are interested in them. If you let a guy sit with you he will eventually think you like him. So you kind of sent mixed signals to the guy. After two months of sitting with a girl I'd think she liked me too.
I guess I didn't think that much of it cuz other people sat at our table. But, I can see what you mean. Maybe he thought he was "special" cuz I let him sit next to me. It's too bad you can't be nice to people with-out it going sour. I thought it would be "ok" cuz I told him from Day One that I was not looking for a boyfriend and I just wanted to enjoy some karaoke.
But, you never know what's going on in someone's head. I guess I should assume that most guys are looking for a girlfriend and keep my distance.
Thanks for the guy's point of view!
C J
_____________________________
Worry looks around, Sorrow looks back, Faith looks up
~~
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese...timing is everything!
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/5/2008 8:09:41 PM
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Chrystal-J-007
Posts: 658
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Detroit
Status: online
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Another issue has popped up today...
My phone line went "down" and I called the phone company. The repairman they sent out keeps coming back over to "look" at my phone jack (3x today) and discuss the parts I might need. I said: "when you find the parts--just put them on my porch. I'll replace the part myself." (It's just a matter of plugging something in.) He said: "I'll come in and see if it works or not." I said: "If it doesn't work, I'll call you. You can put me back on the repair list and come back over." He said: "I don't need to put you on the list, I'll just come over."
I barely talked to him the whole time he was over. He spent 80% of the time in the backyard. I don't want to get anything else started as I just got the whole "Fred" thing simmered down.
Am I reading too much into this situation? Is this repairman just trying to be thorough?
_____________________________
Worry looks around, Sorrow looks back, Faith looks up
~~
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese...timing is everything!
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/5/2008 8:32:40 PM
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APZR
Posts: 961
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
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quote:
It's just that Detroit doesn't have a lot of places to do things if you want to go out at night. But, I guess I could rent movies instead...lol.
There you go... location, location, location. Sounds like you need to move out of the hood of the Purves, and socialize with more classy men and women. As for the cable guy, call and complain!!! The cable companies don't take that stuff lightly.
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/5/2008 9:05:44 PM
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Chrystal-J-007
Posts: 658
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Detroit
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: APZR
quote:
It's just that Detroit doesn't have a lot of places to do things if you want to go out at night. But, I guess I could rent movies instead...lol.
There you go... location, location, location. Sounds like you need to move out of the hood of the Purves, and socialize with more classy men and women. As for the cable guy, call and complain!!! The cable companies don't take that stuff lightly.
Well, I like the "hood"--so, I'm going to stay. 
I ran into a friend of mine a few weeks ago and they said I could go to social night at their church. It's a totally different denomination than mine. But, why not? Even though I don't really understand that church, it can't be worse than the bar.
I just wanted to see if the repair guy had a legitimate reason to keep coming over or if he was trying to "hang out" with me. I'm trying to learn "man-speak" as fast as I can! 
Thanks for the replies!
_____________________________
Worry looks around, Sorrow looks back, Faith looks up
~~
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese...timing is everything!
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/6/2008 3:41:02 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10358
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From: Lone Star State
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Harassment is against the law. So is trespassing. In the case of the repair guy you can tell him if he shows up without cause you'll call the police for trespassing. In the case of Fred have your male friend tell him the police will be called for harassment.
And yes, you need to find other venues for your evening entertainment. How about karaoke at the church since you like it so much?
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We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/6/2008 6:30:31 PM
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Chrystal-J-007
Posts: 658
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Detroit
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The part for my phone was on my porch this morning. So, that was good. He didn't knock on the door--he just left the part. Except the part was broken.  Someone said that I can buy that part at the store for a few bucks so I'm just gonna get a new one there.
My church is mainly old people (70+). They don't have many social events. Ironically, I picked that church cuz it's mainly seniors and I was hoping to avoid the dating "problem". But, I do have some friends at another church that I don't attend. They said I could come to their social nights/bible studies. That would be better. Although, I don't agree with the way they worship. (It's not "wrong"--it's just not for me.) But, it would be nice to have a place to have some fun in other than a bar. I'm going to check that out this weekend.
This whole situation made me think of this passage:
1 Corinthians 15:33 33 Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character."Even if people seem "nice", if they hang out in bars all the time--you have to wonder.
I'm feeling much better since I vowed to never go there again. I'm gonna check out my friend's church. Maybe I can enjoy their company, even if I don't agree with their doctrine.
Thanks for the input!
_____________________________
Worry looks around, Sorrow looks back, Faith looks up
~~
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese...timing is everything!
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/7/2008 8:18:03 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8012
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Chrystal-J-007
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
The real lesson to be learned here is to not let people "hang around" you unless you are interested in them. If you let a guy sit with you he will eventually think you like him. So you kind of sent mixed signals to the guy. After two months of sitting with a girl I'd think she liked me too.
I guess I didn't think that much of it cuz other people sat at our table. But, I can see what you mean. Maybe he thought he was "special" cuz I let him sit next to me. It's too bad you can't be nice to people with-out it going sour. I thought it would be "ok" cuz I told him from Day One that I was not looking for a boyfriend and I just wanted to enjoy some karaoke.
But, you never know what's going on in someone's head. I guess I should assume that most guys are looking for a girlfriend and keep my distance.
Thanks for the guy's point of view!
C J
Actions always speak much louder than words. If you tell a guy "I don't want you" but keep hanging around him, your actions are saying "My words are just doing the socially correct thing but I'd really like to get to know you better" Or at least that's how a significantly large percentage of guys will interpret it.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/7/2008 9:12:59 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10358
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From: Lone Star State
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quote:
My church is mainly old people (70+). They don't have many social events. Then I'd imagine karaoke might be a HUGE hit! 
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We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/7/2008 11:35:35 AM
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tomhillbilly
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i have to disagree with just about everyone,especially you john.
on these message boards and in real life im going to take people and what they tell me is true until a reason is presented not to. chrystal didnt say anything about sending "mixed" messages or any other messages at all. its a public place with other people at the same time,not bogart and bergman at a candlelit table at the casablanca.
the idea that "you just cant be nice to anyone or you're a target" seems to have been stretched to the point that someone that is nice is somehow responsible for someone elses breach of etiquette/decency. God forbid! tom
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/7/2008 11:44:44 AM
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tomhillbilly
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oh i wanted to add that i imagine that you can get a restraining order fairly easily. after all, each person is free to associate or not with anyone they choose. id say almost never has someone just pulled a name out of a hat and said "hey let me put an order on tom today" for example
alot of lee-way in this area towards the judgement of a citizen basically
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/7/2008 1:27:10 PM
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tomhillbilly
Posts: 233
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these things you're telling about seem to be pretty common for women chrystal. its a real shame to cause then women get lumped into the category of being cold,crazy or worse. the way men act like this so much though its hard to blame them. anyway it will just about make me believe we really did come from apes lol
tom
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/7/2008 10:35:27 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8012
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tomhillbilly
i have to disagree with just about everyone,especially you john.
on these message boards and in real life im going to take people and what they tell me is true until a reason is presented not to. chrystal didnt say anything about sending "mixed" messages or any other messages at all.
Read again what I said in my post. I'll wait. (Time passes as THB goes and reads the post again)
Good. It's wasn't Chrystals intent that I was commenting on. It is the fact that a guy looks at a woman's words and at her actions and takes the one that is most favorable to him. If she says "I'm not interested in you" but lets him continue to sit next to her all the time, then he hears "I'm still interested in you"
And she did say that she let him sit next to her even though she wasn't interested and told him so. You can't blame the guy for reading into her actions what he wanted to see.
quote:
its a public place with other people at the same time,not bogart and bergman at a candlelit table at the casablanca.
Irrelevant. It could have been at church or at a bar or during a session of congress or anywhere else. If she allows familiarity and he is the slightest bit interested in her he will see it as her being interested in him.
quote:
the idea that "you just cant be nice to anyone or you're a target" seems to have been stretched to the point that someone that is nice is somehow responsible for someone elses breach of etiquette/decency. God forbid! tom
No one said this. His actions have been inexcusable. Her behavior, whether right, wrong, innocent, or intentionally misleading, has no bearing on his behavior. He, and he alone is responsible for his actions.
My message to her was to learn from this for the future. Guys are like that, when they are interested they will take any possible sign of interest and run with it.
I'm not saying you can't be nice, but to sit next to the guy enough that he wants to date you isn't smart. Actions have meanings even more than words do.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/8/2008 10:24:00 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 17768
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
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Chrystal, has Fred threatened you in any way? Has he been violent towards you? That is when to definitely get a Restraining order. If he is just overly possessive and he isn't taking no for an answer, you can call the police and let them know of the situation. You can ask them what your legal rights are in this situation also.
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/8/2008 3:48:41 PM
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Chrystal-J-007
Posts: 658
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Detroit
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quote:
ORIGINAL: humbleinspirit
Chrystal, has Fred threatened you in any way? Has he been violent towards you? That is when to definitely get a Restraining order. If he is just overly possessive and he isn't taking no for an answer, you can call the police and let them know of the situation. You can ask them what your legal rights are in this situation also.
I was thinking about that--just letting the police know about the situation. So far (since the last phone call) I haven't heard from him. If the situation stays the same (no contact) then I'll just let it go. If he tries to talk to me again I'm going to make a police report. Then if he STILL tries to talk to me--I'll get a restraining order. I figured I should take "step one", then "step two". He's never threatened to hurt me, but his phone messages creep me out. He just calls and leaves messages with the same words over and over. "Call me...call me...call me". (Weird!)
Thanks for caring.
C J
_____________________________
Worry looks around, Sorrow looks back, Faith looks up
~~
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese...timing is everything!
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RE: When to get a restraining order... - 11/8/2008 3:51:31 PM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 17768
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From: Just Outside of Boston
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He just sounds very lonely and/or possessive. I would pray about the situation too.
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C J
I might of looked at him 2x the entire time he was in my store for a total of 5 minutes. He asked me out into the parking lot to discuss my raise. When I realized he was only trying to pick me up, I got in my car to leave. He jumped into the passeger seat and grabbed me around the throat and tried to kiss me. I broke away from him and jumped out of the car and told him "I'm gonna start screaming if you don't leave RIGHT NOW!" He got in his car and drove away. 
